Have you ever had something you thought you needed to do, but were afraid to do it? Something that could be very important, but you put it off because it's either too hard, or you're scared about what might happen if you do it? Well, that's me right now.

Am I blowing things way out of proportion? Is it really something I need to do? I mean, the likelihood of me having it probably isn't that high. It's not like I could have been exposed to it that many times anyway, even if it was possible. I don't want to overreact. Still, if I don't do it, and something really is wrong, it could be a very big mistake on my part. And yet, getting it done would be like saying something like that actually happened. I haven't entertained those thoughts when they've come into my head. I've never wanted to think that he would do that. Although it's not like I haven't been lied to more times than I can count anyway....

Okay, let's just say I do go, would I tell anyone? Should I keep it a secret? What if someone knows me when I get there? I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression of me. Should I take someone with me for moral support? No....no I don't think so. If I'm going to admit to myself that he could have done something like this to me in the first place, that's a big enough step. Having to tell someone else my suspicions is too hard.

I'm getting so tired of burdening others with my problems anyway. It just always seems like something else is going wrong. I can't seem to get a break lately. Plus, people would just worry about me anyway. If I do get it done, I'll only tell people if the results are bad.

That's the other thing....what if they really are bad? Is that something I want to deal with? Is that something I'll be able to deal with right now? Don't I have enough on my plate? If there really is something wrong, I don't know how I'll handle it. I think I'm too scared to know. Then again, like I said before, waiting could be bad if something really is wrong....

I just don't know what to do. I wish I didn't even have to think about making this decision. I shouldn't have to do it in the first place...

Today was the first snow of the season. I woke up this morning to a bright day and large fluffy snow falling outside. I haven't seen snowflakes that large in a long time. It was my favorite kind of snow. Big, soft, and gentle... I sat down at my piano and played as I watched the snow fall. I don't know why, but seeing the snow made me so sad. It's my first snow alone. I always thought that it was so romantic when it snowed like that.

I just wished that I could go grab him by the hand and say, "let's go play in the snow!" and yank him out of bed. As I looked out the window, I could almost see us laughing as we would try to catch snowflakes on our tongues, and wishing there was enough snow to make snowballs. But I'm here, and I'm alone. This year, there won't be anyone to play in the snow with. Why does that seem to make me more sad than I've been in a while?

It's like a new little death I have to face every time I think of something new that I've lost. It's not enough to have to face the death of my marriage as a whole, but I have to face the death of every little thing that I've lost because of it. I don't know when I will have to face the next one. They seem to surprise me, like today.

Winter has always been my favorite season. It just seems to romantic somehow. There's something wonderful about bright little twinkle lights on the houses, warm fires in a fireplace, falling snow, hot chocolate, making snow angles, and snuggling up close to those you love on those really cold nights. Watching a gentle snow fall like today's always makes me sentimental. I guess it's just hard to be sentimental when you have no one to share it with. I hope I don't have to feel this lonely all winter long...

Okay, so I found out something weird about myself yesterday. When I went to bed the night before, I realized I forgot my cell phone and I wanted it next to me in case I got a call. So I went back out to the living room and opened it up so I could use it like a little flash light on the way back to my bed. I put it next to me and went to sleep. When I woke up in the morning and came out it was sitting on the coffee table. I didn't get up at all the night before. None of my family took it, and why would they in the first place?

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm sleep walking. I must be. Which makes sense now, because there have been a few times when I turn my computer off and the next day it's on. I thought it was a glitch with the computer, and that maybe it wasn't really turning off, but now I think I'm getting up in the middle of the night and turning it on.

I'm all freaked out now, cause it's weird. I wonder what I do when I get up....Do I just walk around and randomly turn things on and then go back to bed? Do I always take my cell phone with me, you know, just in case I get a call? Wouldn't that be something....actually getting a call while sleep walking and wake up standing in my living room.

I hope if I am doing this that I don't do anything dangerous, like fall down the stairs, decide to drive somewhere, stuff like that. Or even worse, eating in my sleep. I've heard of people who do that and gain all this weight. I mean, what can you do about it if you're unconscious? So far I think all I'm doing is probably just walking around and turning on my computer. It's weird though.

I looked up sleep walking online and it said that when people are really stressed they can sleep walk, because they're tense and can't relax, and the brain doesn't properly calm down for the night. Fevers can be a contributing factor too, and I did have one of those the other day, so that might be part of it.

I should set up a camera or something to see what I do. I tried to catch myself last night by closing my computer. I don't usually close it, but I wonder if that would even work. Can I really trick myself? Now that's something weird to think about.....playing a trick on my unconscious self.... I wonder....am I too smart for me? hehehehe, okay I won't over analyze that. I'll just have to pay attention from now on to how I leave things at night and see if they're different in the morning.

I still think it's weird. :P

Okay, I'm all done with my pity party now. I even put away the hats and confetti. No more getting all down in the dumps over stuff I can't change. I just need to take things one day at a time and not get so stressed out over everything. I'm really trying. So, time to pull myself up by my bootstraps at get things done, without complaining about it.

Okay, I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, and need to get it off my chest. Maybe if I just write it all out, it won't seem so bad. So, without further ado:

Things that are stressing me out

1. I have no job, and the bills keep on piling up. The only money I have is what my grandmother gave me after she died. I HATE that I have no choice but to use it for bills.

2.I have no car, and therefore have to borrow one any time I need to go anywhere. Which also means that I'm home ALL the time. Alone....all the time.

3.My best friend is moving to CT, in fact she's there already, and I don't even know when I'll get to see her again. So now, every single one of my friends has moved out of state except for one. If she leaves, I'll be all alone again.

4.Speaking of being alone....man, do I feel lonely right now. Divorce is awful. I feel like part of me has died and I have a big empty hole somewhere in the middle of my chest.

5. And along the lines of that whole divorce thing, why on earth do I have to decide whether or not to prosecute him? Why can't the courts decide that? It's bad enough I have to turn him in, but now I have to decide that too? ugh...

6.I'm in the middle of moving.....and I have no where to put my things. I'm moving into a house that is already full. Where on earth am I going to put a giant gas grill anyway?

7. I'm going in a totally new career direction, which I've never done before. This is very scary for me. I'm going back to school, and starting something pretty rigorous. I hope I can do it, but I'm afraid I'll put all that time and effort and money into it, and then I'll be bad at it.


Okay those are some of the biggest things that are stressing me out. I'm trying to just give them over to God and let Him worry about it, but it's still difficult. I have more on my plate to deal with right now than I have ever had, and I feel so alone. I know this is a time of transition, but oh how I wish it would just transition already, so I can move on with my life.

Okay, it seems like I have several blogs in several different places, for several different purposes. I'm collecting them I guess. I just wanted something that's not necessarily private, and not too business related. Something just for me. A place where I can come and just be. So here goes....