Have you ever had something you thought you needed to do, but were afraid to do it? Something that could be very important, but you put it off because it's either too hard, or you're scared about what might happen if you do it? Well, that's me right now.

Am I blowing things way out of proportion? Is it really something I need to do? I mean, the likelihood of me having it probably isn't that high. It's not like I could have been exposed to it that many times anyway, even if it was possible. I don't want to overreact. Still, if I don't do it, and something really is wrong, it could be a very big mistake on my part. And yet, getting it done would be like saying something like that actually happened. I haven't entertained those thoughts when they've come into my head. I've never wanted to think that he would do that. Although it's not like I haven't been lied to more times than I can count anyway....

Okay, let's just say I do go, would I tell anyone? Should I keep it a secret? What if someone knows me when I get there? I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression of me. Should I take someone with me for moral support? No....no I don't think so. If I'm going to admit to myself that he could have done something like this to me in the first place, that's a big enough step. Having to tell someone else my suspicions is too hard.

I'm getting so tired of burdening others with my problems anyway. It just always seems like something else is going wrong. I can't seem to get a break lately. Plus, people would just worry about me anyway. If I do get it done, I'll only tell people if the results are bad.

That's the other thing....what if they really are bad? Is that something I want to deal with? Is that something I'll be able to deal with right now? Don't I have enough on my plate? If there really is something wrong, I don't know how I'll handle it. I think I'm too scared to know. Then again, like I said before, waiting could be bad if something really is wrong....

I just don't know what to do. I wish I didn't even have to think about making this decision. I shouldn't have to do it in the first place...

Today was the first snow of the season. I woke up this morning to a bright day and large fluffy snow falling outside. I haven't seen snowflakes that large in a long time. It was my favorite kind of snow. Big, soft, and gentle... I sat down at my piano and played as I watched the snow fall. I don't know why, but seeing the snow made me so sad. It's my first snow alone. I always thought that it was so romantic when it snowed like that.

I just wished that I could go grab him by the hand and say, "let's go play in the snow!" and yank him out of bed. As I looked out the window, I could almost see us laughing as we would try to catch snowflakes on our tongues, and wishing there was enough snow to make snowballs. But I'm here, and I'm alone. This year, there won't be anyone to play in the snow with. Why does that seem to make me more sad than I've been in a while?

It's like a new little death I have to face every time I think of something new that I've lost. It's not enough to have to face the death of my marriage as a whole, but I have to face the death of every little thing that I've lost because of it. I don't know when I will have to face the next one. They seem to surprise me, like today.

Winter has always been my favorite season. It just seems to romantic somehow. There's something wonderful about bright little twinkle lights on the houses, warm fires in a fireplace, falling snow, hot chocolate, making snow angles, and snuggling up close to those you love on those really cold nights. Watching a gentle snow fall like today's always makes me sentimental. I guess it's just hard to be sentimental when you have no one to share it with. I hope I don't have to feel this lonely all winter long...